Media Slayer

So I just found out today that I have HPV.

I’ve been getting regular pap smears since I was 18 and STD tests at least once a year, if not in between every sexual partner I’ve ever had. They have always, ALWAYS come back clean because my sexual health is something I don’t care to fuck around with. I don’t care about destroying my liver with drugs and alcohol, but risk catching HIV? You can just fuck right off with that one.

I haven’t changed partners since my last check up. That means that the HPV developed on its own since. Since my mom had issues with that during her pregnancy, the doctor said it’s likely that she gave me the HPV and it’s been hanging out in my uterus, dormant, for the past 22 years.

I had “abnormal cells” and they did a more specific test this time to see if any of those cells were cancerous—fortunately, they were not. (for the record, the test is super painful) But I have to go back in three months for another check to make sure nothing’s cancerous *then.*

My great-grandmother died of cervical cancer. So I’m sort of scared out of my mind and have been crying on and off all day about it. I’m finally working on getting over my depression, and as soon as I’m done being suicidal I might be getting fucking cancer in my early twenties and it wouldn’t matter anyway D;

What I’m worried about isn’t that the test came back negative, but that it came back negative but I still need to go back in three months to make sure nothing has changed/gotten worse. What does it mean if the next one comes back clean? Pap smears every three months for the rest of my life to make sure? What does it mean if the test comes back showing I’ve got something? What also worries me is that my body likes to get really sick and never shows signs of symptoms until the disease has advanced quite a bit. I’m so, so afraid of that being the case here.

I’m so scared right now :(